The Shut Up & Sit Down Supercomputer: I have spent the week exhaustively probing and sampling the corpses of Quinns and Paul, and have arrived at a conclusion: They are still dead. Therefore I shall continue to transmit the “Games News” as if they were not. I recommend that you all perform the human act of “denial”, as it sounds quite soothing.
Paul: Good morning everybaby!
Quinns: Paul, I cannot believe this. You will remember that two months ago I performed such that the people should buy real-time game Escape: The Curse of the Temple.
Paul: I remember it well, it made me birth eight giggles from my larynx.
Quinns: What a friend. But this week Queen Games has announced Escape from Zombie City. A tremendously similar game of rolling dice and escaping zombies, this time taking 15 minutes instead of 10. Just after I told everyone to buy the first Escape!
Paul: That is the limit!
Quinns: Stow your bum! This story gets even crazier.
What if I were to tell you that the only image of Escape from Zombie City is of the box.
Paul: Then I would wonder what the image at the top of the article is.
Quinns: It is a prototype of Zombie ’15! A second co-operative game coming out in 2014 which is about escaping zombies in 15 real-life minutes. Although it is more dedicated to the theme of “fifteen”, with everybody playing fifteen year-olds across fifteen scenarios. Still, what are the odds?
Paul: 1190 to 1.
Quinns: Yes.
Paul: We mentioned before that the game of giant monsters and giant dice King of Tokyo would be getting a sequel in 2014, and details are emerging one after another, like the limbs of a baby from some straining organ. It will be called King of New York, will be marginally more “rich”, the humans will fight back and monsters will be able to move around a tiny board.
Quinns: You and I didn’t like King of Tokyo, though, although all of our friends did. It is worth nothing that in deviating from the statistical norm, we failed as critics. If only we were machines, and incapable of making mistakes!
Paul: Quinns, what is your favourite thing about the SU&SD supercomputer?
Quinns: I like that when she plays games she doesn’t leave behind invisible filth from her hands and mouth.
Much disease was spread this week at Spiel, the world’s biggest board game convention, hosted in Essen, Germany. It was all for a good cause, however, as plenty of data was collected on which of the new releases sold out first, and which were the highest rated.
Patchistory (above) was the highest-profile sellout at the show. This is a Korean game where players “patch” new tiles onto their civilization, where each new purchase is always partially covered by (or covers) something else, presumably referencing the fallible nature of human book-keeping.
But it was Z-Man’s Russian Railroads that received the highest rating at the show. Presumably this is because the only humans who would sit down to a two hour game of something called Russian Railroads are people who very much want to enjoy something called Russian Railroads.
Humans also displayed perfunctory affection for Uwe Rosenberg’s Glass Road and something called Concordia, to create the three highest-rated games at the show.
Paul: On the subject, The Metagame is a new Kickstarter that offers a game where players birth opinions, and send them into battle against one another. It offers more than 250 beautifully-illustrated cards and is suitable for up between 3 to 1000 players.
Quinns: Cards Against Humanity bears the tagline “Apples to Apples for terrible people.” Recommend we refer to The Metagame as “Cards Against Humanity for people who don’t want to laugh at violence against women.”
Paul: Agreed. Let us perform a high five.
Quinns: I have no hands, I’m a OH MY GOD WHERE ARE MY HANDS
AM I A COMPUTER SIMULATION?! SOMEONE, SAVE ME{restart.quinns}
Paul: Anyone who has listened to our latest podcast will have heard you moan excitingly about Two Rooms and a Boom. Let us state here that The Kickstarter is now alive, and grows larger and stronger with each moment, an inspiration to us all.
Quinns: What a wonder! They’ve already broken enough stretch goals that I am concerned the box itself might do a boom. Dozens of different role cards, thicker quality cardstock, an even nicer manual, and lots more secret stretch goals to come!
Look, Paul! One of the most recent cards is a robot. OH GOD, I’M A ROBOT{restart.quinns}
Quinns: Hey look, one of the most recent cards is a robot! I don’t know what that card does, but. Wait. This isn’t right. WHAT’S GOING ON{restart.quinns}
Quinns: YOU’RE JUST RESTARTING ME OVER AND OVER{terminate.news}
