SU&SD
Paul: This is a disaster. How much food do we have left? How many days can we go? Will we even get rescued out here?
Quinns: I’m sure it’ll be fine, just keep sending up the flares and don’t put any limbs in the water. Look, I managed to salvage a few of the more intact parts of Matt, which we can probably cook, and then there’s the…
Paul: What?
Quinns: The Games News. I’m really sorry, Paul. We’re going to have to eat the Games News.
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Paul: Atop a distant hill, reaching up toward the last, fading stars of the velvet night, barely visible in the pre-dawn glow, stands the temple to Games News.
Here, sat amongst the heavy and heady odours of swirling incense, stepping between the gigantic columns erected in times long forgotten, Shut Up & Sit Down’s many devoted acolytes cast bones, call out prayers and perform blood sacrifices in the hope of discovering what cardboard miracles will be delivered unto us in the weeks and months ahead.
Quinns: Join with us now as we row out over a briny waves toward those distant chants, as we step onto that rocky promontory and weave amongst the hairless worshippers as they perform their secret and arcane rites. Tread soft and bring no light, for this is a holy land which we all despoil when our sinful tongues even mention its name.
“Don’t be scared,” you hear me cry, straining over the oars. “It’s been a long journey, but you’ll get your Zombicide news soon enough.”
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Quinns: Today I’m joined by Matt, who’s finally played Machi Koro!
Matt: What does “Machi Koro” mean in English, Quinns?
Quinns: “Give Me a 4 You Useless Sodding Dice or I’m Melting You In the Microwave.” But I don’t just want to talk about Machi Koro today! I want to talk about the new Harbor expansion.
Matt: What does “Harbour” mean in English, Quinns?
Quinns: It doesn’t have a direct translation, but you could say “Den of Lost Souls.” But let’s start with a quick reminder of why the base game is so delightful, and why people should think about buying it if they haven’t already.
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Quinns: Hello everybody! Take your seats, the show’s about to begin.
We get sent twice as many games as we review on SU&SD. We cover the good games and set fire to the bad ones, but there’s a sort of purgatory in between of games that don’t get reviewed and pile up in my corner.
Maybe a game’s too interesting for me to burn it. Maybe it’s too similar to something we just reviewed. This is what lead to 2013’s Rapid Review Special Episode– a big, weird release valve of a video that let me reclaim my corner for a hot minute and put a pot plant there.
That time has come again. Today, SU&SD is proud to present no less than seven reviews of the best and weirdest games to be found in my corner.
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Paul: So I’ve been looking at the Games News Style Guide don’t like the idea of Games News “coming at you” because that gives me the impression of some sort of oncoming, impending, unstoppable, inevitable, colossus of a thing that rolls through your front door. You know, sort of like…
Quinns: A monster? A disaster?
Paul: Right. And I don’t want people to associate us with disasters.
Quinns: No, I want Games News to be the opposite of a disaster. What’s the opposite of a disaster? A… a balm. I want Games News to be a sort of gentle, soothing, relaxing experience. I want Games News to be something you can rub all over your body to make your day infinitely better. Yeah, that’s right. So, with that in mind, let’s give our readers things they would just love to smear all over themselves. Like these Mage Wars tiles.
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Quinns: Paul, I’ve got great news!
Paul: Russia’s pulling out of Ukraine?
Quinns: No, I… we got an email from a reader called Timothy Meyer. He says-
Paul: The Western Black Rhino is no longer extinct?
Quinns: STOP IT he heard from Ystari customer service that the legendary Consulting Detective expansions, previously available only in French, will be arriving in English in January 2016!
New cases are coming! Don’t bury your copies of the phenomenal Sherlock Holmes game just yet.
Paul: I have taken a lot of medicine in a huge overreaction for what might be a very mild cold so let’s do this how could this news possibly go wrong there was caffeine in those painkillers I am so up for this let’s-
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Paul: Hello! Welcome to our Games News! Thanks for taking the time to look around. If you’ll step this way, we’ll show you why we think this Games News is not only one of the most exciting there is, but why it’s a Games News that’s perfect for you.
Quinns: We’re all really excited about Games News here. Come this way, just put your umbrella in the rack. Stepping into the vestibule, we can see what is arguably the centrepiece of this wonderful and unique Games News.
Paul: Arguably.
Quinns: Arguably.
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[Begin SU&SD black box transcript for “Games News Dialogue: 11th May 2015.” Recovered by crews at 9:17am.]
[Recording begins, some sound of birdsong and footsteps.]
Quinns: PAUL. PAUL. WAKE UP.
Paul: OH GOD WHAT IS THE HOUSE ON FIRE.
Quinns: Paul I know what-
Paul: DON’T COME IN HERE. Just tell me from behind the door.
Quinns: Paul, I know what you like most of all!
Paul: And what is that?
Quinns: Wrestling!
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Paul: I’d like to talk about Cards Against Humanity, one of our hobby’s biggest breakout successes.
The best way to describe Cards Against Humanity is “Lego for jokes”. It gives its players setups and punchlines, all ready to click together in one-step assembly. It’s easier than microwaving food or boil-in-the-bag rice. Almost no creativity is required, and because the powers of chance deal you your cards, it’s not as if you can even help the sort of combinations that present themselves, right? As well as creativity and effort, who even needs responsibility?
It’s important that we provide a trigger warning for what follows. A warning for, well, just about anything: abuse; violence; racism; rape.
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Paul: Hello! Welcome to Games News! Today we-
Quinns: Wait. Hold on.
Paul: What, are we-
Quinns: Okay. Go.
Paul: Today we’re coming to you live from… for some reason, live from Exeter Central Rail Station where, as you can see, the crowds are just… just wild for-
Quinns: The crowds here are absolutely wild for the board game news we have! I can barely hear myself over the noise! This response is unprecedented!
Paul: Yes, yes it is! Our first story is all about Survive! and it only gets more exciting from there. How are you guys back in the studio? Are yo-
Quinns: DON’T CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO.
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