News 33 - Shut Up & Sit Down

Games News! 08/06/15

Paul: So I’ve been looking at the Games News Style Guide don’t like the idea of Games News “coming at you” because that gives me the impression of some sort of oncoming, impending, unstoppable, inevitable, colossus of a thing that rolls through your front door. You know, sort of like…

Quinns: A monster? A disaster?

Paul: Right. And I don’t want people to associate us with disasters.

Quinns: No, I want Games News to be the opposite of a disaster. What’s the opposite of a disaster? A… a balm. I want Games News to be a sort of gentle, soothing, relaxing experience. I want Games News to be something you can rub all over your body to make your day infinitely better. Yeah, that’s right. So, with that in mind, let’s give our readers things they would just love to smear all over themselves. Like these Mage Wars tiles.

Quinns: Paul, I’ve got great news!

Paul: Russia’s pulling out of Ukraine?

Quinns: No, I… we got an email from a reader called Timothy Meyer. He says-

Paul: The Western Black Rhino is no longer extinct?

Quinns: STOP IT he heard from Ystari customer service that the legendary Consulting Detective expansions, previously available only in French, will be arriving in English in January 2016!

New cases are coming! Don’t bury your copies of the phenomenal Sherlock Holmes game just yet.

Paul: I have taken a lot of medicine in a huge overreaction for what might be a very mild cold so let’s do this how could this news possibly go wrong there was caffeine in those painkillers I am so up for this let’s-

Paul: Hello! Welcome to our Games News! Thanks for taking the time to look around. If you’ll step this way, we’ll show you why we think this Games News is not only one of the most exciting there is, but why it’s a Games News that’s perfect for you.

Quinns: We’re all really excited about Games News here. Come this way, just put your umbrella in the rack. Stepping into the vestibule, we can see what is arguably the centrepiece of this wonderful and unique Games News.

Paul: Arguably.

Quinns: Arguably.

[Begin SU&SD black box transcript for “Games News Dialogue: 11th May 2015.” Recovered by crews at 9:17am.]

[Recording begins, some sound of birdsong and footsteps.]

Quinns: PAUL. PAUL. WAKE UP.

Paul: OH GOD WHAT IS THE HOUSE ON FIRE.

Quinns: Paul I know what-

Paul: DON’T COME IN HERE. Just tell me from behind the door.

Quinns: Paul, I know what you like most of all!

Paul: And what is that?

Quinns: Wrestling!

Paul: Hello! Welcome to Games News! Today we-

Quinns: Wait. Hold on.

Paul: What, are we-

Quinns: Okay. Go.

Paul: Today we’re coming to you live from… for some reason, live from Exeter Central Rail Station where, as you can see, the crowds are just… just wild for-

Quinns: The crowds here are absolutely wild for the board game news we have! I can barely hear myself over the noise! This response is unprecedented!

Paul: Yes, yes it is! Our first story is all about Survive! and it only gets more exciting from there. How are you guys back in the studio? Are yo-

Quinns: DON’T CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO.

Paul: Quinns, could you keep the noise down- oh my God, who are all these games?

Quinns: Did we wake you up? Sorry! I just thought I’d invite a few of our favourite board games round for a nightcap and a cigar.

Paul: This is nuts. I hardly recognise any of them. It’s as if this week there have been exciting developments exclusively regarding games we like, and this party is an elaborate premise for a roundup of the week’s news.

Quinns: Yes

Paul: Quinns, what is this place?

Quinns: Paul, this is the place I come to every weekend to prepare for Games News. Here they provide only the choicest cuts of gaming information, the freshest servings.

Paul: Quinns, I’m not sure all this stuff is ethically sourced. Look at the menu. There’s a platter of unattributed and speculative announcements, a buffet of Kickstarter links that looks long since spoiled and the soup of the day is just another expansion that nobody’s actually provided any photographs for.

Quinns: But we’re not eating from the regular selection. We’re going into The Back Room, where we can choose our still-squirming news, watch as it’s slain before us and prepared to exactly our parameters.

Paul: That’s horrific! What sort of a place would do such a thing?! Except I guess any seafood restaurant, which is all the proof you’ll ever need that seafood is disgusting and that everyone who enjoys it is bad.

Quinns: Come quickly. They’ve got a table for us.

Quinns: Hello and welcome, I hope you’re all ready for another piping hot serving of Games News. Today, we have a double news, in which I’m joined by Paul and we’ll be firing off the news together, manning the News Cannons. Rotating the News Turrets.

Paul: I had to get up very early for this.

Quinns: So shall we dive right in?

Paul: Because of the time difference, it’s 4am in Shut Up & Sit Down’s North American Office and also 1986…

Quinns: Let’s go!

Paul: …I’m using a dial-up modem.

Quinns: First up!

(Image courtesy of Daniel Danzer of BoardGameGeek)

Quinns: Good morning everybody! I’m sick again, so expect a more sedate Games News than usual. Hello Lemsip, my old friend. Take me into your sweet lemony embrace. As Sherlock had his needle, I have my fruit-flavoured decongestants.

We start, as always, with the game with the prettiest header image. This time that means upcoming European-style game The Voyages of Marco Polo.

Quinns: This Games News is dedicated to Shadow of Nerekhall, the Descent campaign that I finished this weekend. Above you can see my table after the Finale, where the heroes resolutely failed to stop the Overlord’s ynfaernal demons from overrunning the burning city.

Tim? Ian? You fought nobly. May your heroes rest in peace in the plastic bag in my copy of Descent for heroes who have died and can never be chosen again.

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