Reviews 12 - Shut Up & Sit Down

Review: Forbidden Stars

Quinns: I don’t really like the Warhammer universes. When I was a kid I couldn’t get enough of them. “In the grim darkness of the future there is only war”? Holy shit!

These days I find them a little tired. Conflict is exciting, but not without peace to contrast it with, and not when you siphon all the humanity out of it. Where’s the ego and romance? Where are the themes and mysteries? And obviously: Where are the women?

Let me wrap this up before people start sending me photos of Sisters of Battle, or pointing out that the expanded universe is awesome (I know!). My point is I was a little grouchy when I opened up of Forbidden Stars, Fantasy Flight’s new, striking war game set in the Warhammer 40K universe.

I’m happy to say that Forbidden Stars defrosted my icy heart. This game is sensational.

Quinns: Today I’m joined by Matt, who’s finally played Machi Koro!

Matt: What does “Machi Koro” mean in English, Quinns?

Quinns: “Give Me a 4 You Useless Sodding Dice or I’m Melting You In the Microwave.” But I don’t just want to talk about Machi Koro today! I want to talk about the new Harbor expansion.

Matt: What does “Harbour” mean in English, Quinns?

Quinns: It doesn’t have a direct translation, but you could say “Den of Lost Souls.” But let’s start with a quick reminder of why the base game is so delightful, and why people should think about buying it if they haven’t already.

Quinns: Hello everybody! Take your seats, the show’s about to begin.

We get sent twice as many games as we review on SU&SD. We cover the good games and set fire to the bad ones, but there’s a sort of purgatory in between of games that don’t get reviewed and pile up in my corner.

Maybe a game’s too interesting for me to burn it. Maybe it’s too similar to something we just reviewed. This is what lead to 2013’s Rapid Review Special Episode– a big, weird release valve of a video that let me reclaim my corner for a hot minute and put a pot plant there.

That time has come again. Today, SU&SD is proud to present no less than seven reviews of the best and weirdest games to be found in my corner.

Paul: I think I can trace my excitement for custom dice right back to my earliest gaming experiences. Dice were supposed to be uniform, six-sided things that counted from one to six. The moment I saw that you could put other things on dice, my world was turned upside down. Icons? Pictures? Why stick to just six sides? Any shape you roll could be a die! What was to stop me shaving numbers into the dog’s fur and tempting her to roll about the hall floor to decide our gaming fates? Nothing, friends. Nothing.

The first time I heard about Roll for the Galaxy’s 111 multicoloured custom dice I had to be sedated. I don’t actually remember much of the day but Matt says they had to call an ambulance and I recall Quinns, Brendan and Leigh visiting me in a facility specially constructed and arranged to avoid reminding inmates of the platonic solids. Thing is, in that place we still had our black market deals that the staff didn’t know about. Ten pounds to touch a D12. Forfeit an evening meal to roll some X-Wing attack dice.

Oh yeah, Roll for the Galaxy. I’d better tell you about it.

Paul: I’d like to talk about Cards Against Humanity, one of our hobby’s biggest breakout successes.

The best way to describe Cards Against Humanity is “Lego for jokes”. It gives its players setups and punchlines, all ready to click together in one-step assembly. It’s easier than microwaving food or boil-in-the-bag rice. Almost no creativity is required, and because the powers of chance deal you your cards, it’s not as if you can even help the sort of combinations that present themselves, right? As well as creativity and effort, who even needs responsibility?

It’s important that we provide a trigger warning for what follows. A warning for, well, just about anything: abuse; violence; racism; rape.

Quinns: So you walk into your local board game shop, eager to make a purchase. An unhealthy, bubbly excitement starts building inside you, as if you were a shaken can of cola. You scan the shelves, letting your obsession rise from the pit of your stomach to slightly above your stomach. You’re taking one of these boxes home.

So you drop to all fours, ready to begin the hunt. The shop owner doesn’t give you a second glance. He’s seen it all before. You prowl between the aisles, buttocks undulating like a pair of bald men being ritually drowned. What’s this? Elysium… ?

It’s a brand new release from Space Cowboys, the hot young publisher of the wonderful Splendour and the entirely passable Black Fleet. Elysium looks great! It’s got cards, Greeks, gods, it looks lovely and it’s different every time you play.

“STOP!” comes the cry, as I slide down a nearby fireman’s pole (was it there before?!).

“My name is Quinns,” I continue, squeaking all the way down as the pole rubs between my bare thighs. “Allow me to tell you whether to buy Elysium using… a review.”

Quinns: This was meant to be a video review. Alas, my PC overheated. Repair parts are already enroute (thank you, indomitable Gold Club members!) but the show must go on, so I need you guys to imagine everything that follows with the glitz of a fancy video.

Picture the light playing over linen-finished game boxes. My powerful arms cradling components as if they were a baby animal. The caramel baritone of my voice.

You see, it’s important for your board game collection that you take Dogs of War as seriously as possible. It turns out this is a fantastic game. It’s also a terrible, friendship-sundering thing that made me more angry than a game’s made me in months.

Let’s get started. There’s a war on, and you need to pick a side.

Paul: Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Quinns: Paul! I hear that you have recently been playing the Friedemann Friese one player card game called Friday.

Paul: We, we, we so excited.

Quinns: I know it well and actually I thought you’d have some interesting-

Paul: Which seat do I TAAAAKE?

Quinns: DON’T MAKE ME BLOWDART YOU.

[We’ve got an unusual review for you this week! Legion of Honor is part wargame, part storytelling game, all labour of love. Images courtesy of BoardGameGeek.]

Thrower: Amongst the carrion on the field of Waterloo lay the body of Major Cholet. He was a favourite of Napoleon, having helped uncover a plot to assassinate the Emperor, but through ill luck, and an unfortunate penchant for duelling, he never managed to translate that favour into promotion to the highest echelons of the French army. Had things been different he might have been remembered as the hero of a famous French victory at Mont St Jean. Instead, his entrails are a feast for the crows.

Still, at least this way he never had to suffer the ignominy of the world realising that he was named after a womble.

This is Legion of Honor, the card game of career soldiering in Napoleon’s Grand Armee. Except that really it’s more of a competitive role-playing, story-telling game with cards. Think Tales of the Arabian Nights, if you took away the Rocs and Sorcerers and replaced them with garrison duty and overbearing Sergeant-Majors.

Like a garlic and gunpowder-smelling Arabian Nights, it’s also a game in which decision making plays a limited part in determining the winner. If your character survives all the way to Waterloo with nary a medal or a franc to his name, he can still win an instant victory by drawing one lucky card from the battle deck. And unlike Arabian Nights, this can happen after nine hours of play, instead of three. So if you dislike the idea of a nine-hour game that can be won by a lucky card in the final turn, walk away now.

Paul: Oh God, my head… Quinns? Quinns, why are you here? What did we do last night? Where are my pants?

Quinns: How much wine did you have? Oh, it was beautiful, Paul. We circled each other for hours, laughing, getting closer and ever closer. Finally, I got past your shields. It was wonderful.

Paul: Oh no.

Quinns: Then you activated your squadrons and managed to disable my turbolasers with your mighty TIE bombers.

Paul: Oh no. Wait. What?

Review: Forbidden Stars

Review: Machi Koro’s Harbor Expansion

Presenting Quinns’ Corner Awards, 2015!

Review: Roll for the Galaxy

Review: Cards Against Humanity

Review: Elysium

Review: Dogs of War

Review: Friday

Review: Legion of Honor

Review: Star Wars: Armada

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