Paul: Quinns, could you keep the noise down- oh my God, who are all these games?
Quinns: Did we wake you up? Sorry! I just thought I’d invite a few of our favourite board games round for a nightcap and a cigar.
Paul: This is nuts. I hardly recognise any of them. It’s as if this week there have been exciting developments exclusively regarding games we like, and this party is an elaborate premise for a roundup of the week’s news.
Quinns: Yes
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So it turns out that Paul has actually always had something of a fascination for big ships. It also turns out that Panamax mixes big ships with big business and (very) big bucks. After all these years, could this be the way that Paul finally makes his millions?
Of course not. It’s a board game. Still, it could be good, right? Let’s see what Shut Up & Sit Down’s North American Correspondent thinks in a video made in the style of some of our very first reviews.
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Quinns: So you walk into your local board game shop, eager to make a purchase. An unhealthy, bubbly excitement starts building inside you, as if you were a shaken can of cola. You scan the shelves, letting your obsession rise from the pit of your stomach to slightly above your stomach. You’re taking one of these boxes home.
So you drop to all fours, ready to begin the hunt. The shop owner doesn’t give you a second glance. He’s seen it all before. You prowl between the aisles, buttocks undulating like a pair of bald men being ritually drowned. What’s this? Elysium… ?
It’s a brand new release from Space Cowboys, the hot young publisher of the wonderful Splendour and the entirely passable Black Fleet. Elysium looks great! It’s got cards, Greeks, gods, it looks lovely and it’s different every time you play.
“STOP!” comes the cry, as I slide down a nearby fireman’s pole (was it there before?!).
“My name is Quinns,” I continue, squeaking all the way down as the pole rubs between my bare thighs. “Allow me to tell you whether to buy Elysium using… a review.”
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Paul: Quinns, what is this place?
Quinns: Paul, this is the place I come to every weekend to prepare for Games News. Here they provide only the choicest cuts of gaming information, the freshest servings.
Paul: Quinns, I’m not sure all this stuff is ethically sourced. Look at the menu. There’s a platter of unattributed and speculative announcements, a buffet of Kickstarter links that looks long since spoiled and the soup of the day is just another expansion that nobody’s actually provided any photographs for.
Quinns: But we’re not eating from the regular selection. We’re going into The Back Room, where we can choose our still-squirming news, watch as it’s slain before us and prepared to exactly our parameters.
Paul: That’s horrific! What sort of a place would do such a thing?! Except I guess any seafood restaurant, which is all the proof you’ll ever need that seafood is disgusting and that everyone who enjoys it is bad.
Quinns: Come quickly. They’ve got a table for us.
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Quinns: This was meant to be a video review. Alas, my PC overheated. Repair parts are already enroute (thank you, indomitable Gold Club members!) but the show must go on, so I need you guys to imagine everything that follows with the glitz of a fancy video.
Picture the light playing over linen-finished game boxes. My powerful arms cradling components as if they were a baby animal. The caramel baritone of my voice.
You see, it’s important for your board game collection that you take Dogs of War as seriously as possible. It turns out this is a fantastic game. It’s also a terrible, friendship-sundering thing that made me more angry than a game’s made me in months.
Let’s get started. There’s a war on, and you need to pick a side.
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Paul: Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.
Quinns: Paul! I hear that you have recently been playing the Friedemann Friese one player card game called Friday.
Paul: We, we, we so excited.
Quinns: I know it well and actually I thought you’d have some interesting-
Paul: Which seat do I TAAAAKE?
Quinns: DON’T MAKE ME BLOWDART YOU.
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Quinns: Hello and welcome, I hope you’re all ready for another piping hot serving of Games News. Today, we have a double news, in which I’m joined by Paul and we’ll be firing off the news together, manning the News Cannons. Rotating the News Turrets.
Paul: I had to get up very early for this.
Quinns: So shall we dive right in?
Paul: Because of the time difference, it’s 4am in Shut Up & Sit Down’s North American Office and also 1986…
Quinns: Let’s go!
Paul: …I’m using a dial-up modem.
Quinns: First up!
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OH MY GOD, it’s the thrilling conclusion to our Let’s Play of the largest game anyone’s ever played, ever.
Confused? Find part one here, and find our video of the original Watch the Skies here. Palpitations of excitement? Find sedatives here. And find the actual URL of the music we used here, as we misspelled it in the edit.
If these videos look like they were a whole load of work from a whole lot of people, they were. And we did it for you, personally. Enjoy.
NOTE: If you’re worried about spoilers, probably don’t read the comments first.
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STOP! This is the police. You’re under arrest for being in possession of 27th Shut up & Sit Down podcast. I’m afraid it’s very illegal indeed. First there was that scaremongering at the beginning about ghosts in Mysterium. Then they openly discussed how they were underqualified for their work as politicians in the recent Megagame, … Read more
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(Image courtesy of Daniel Danzer of BoardGameGeek)
Quinns: Good morning everybody! I’m sick again, so expect a more sedate Games News than usual. Hello Lemsip, my old friend. Take me into your sweet lemony embrace. As Sherlock had his needle, I have my fruit-flavoured decongestants.
We start, as always, with the game with the prettiest header image. This time that means upcoming European-style game The Voyages of Marco Polo.
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